Dear Chris,

I have written a short piece which I thought I might sing along to the karaoke version of "maths teacher's...".  I am trying to make it fit, see below.

Cheers!

J



_The Baron's Demands_ by James TH J

The Baron reached up to adjust the heat flame as it roared above him, filling the great balloon with  hot air.  "Less heat" he murmured, as he turned the key clockwise, approximately halving the reach of the blue fire tongues and bringing about an immediate change in altitude.  "We are sinking" he mumbled.  The great balloon sighed and creaked, dropping through light wisps of cloud and drawing the attention of numerous birds and no doubt also drawing the eyes of amazed witnesses below.  The Baron peered confidently over the lip of the basket to spot his landing area.  The wind was gently guiding him to the perfect spot, a 4 by 6 foot patch of slightly raised paving just beyond London Bridge on the South of the river, surrounded by six uniformed men who would be ready to grab his mooring lines as he touched down.  He began counting down his descent.  "Five, four, three, two..." he sighed, then suddenly "Grab ropes men!  Haul her in!".

(CHEESEMAN WILL HAVE STOPPED READING BY EXACTLY THIS POINT - see you later Dave!)

The uniformed men reached for the balloon's silk mooring ribbons as the Baron touched down inside the tight square.  "I'm down" he whispered.  He opened the door of the basket and strolled out towards a figure dressed in the formal colours of a General.  He recognised his friend immediately, the General Levine de Les Arbres, son of a frenchman, now the scourge of France in his capacity as ferocious leader of the Queen's Infantry.
 
"Bonsoir Monsieur le Baron"  The General bowed low, winking.

"Hello General."  The Baron smiled.

"How was your how you say flying?"

"My flight was fine thank you." Chuckled the Baron. "Still shaking off the bastard tongue?"

"Yes yes very good, my teacher is un femme magnifique I must introduce you.  But she like not only not to have lessons of love no?  Ha ha."  The General guffawed heartily, moving towards his friend to slap him on the shoulder. 

The Baron however reacted swiftly, dancing just out of reach and stopping with arm outstretched, sword raised, the pointed tip a half inch from the General's nose.

"When you gallivant with French tarts the whole of England laughs with you.  But the thought of an English girl being subject to a half-Frenchman's physical desires fills a gentleman with sickness.  I should run you through, my friend, if you ever speak like this again".  The Baron raised an eyebrow and paused for a second before withdrawing his sword.  Behind him, the six uniformed  men relaxed audibly in a clanking of metal and leather.

"Forgive me, forgive me and come come."  The General motioned towards a waiting carriage, drawn by four horses and bearing the Queen's insignia.  After some formal hither-thither the two men entered the carriage and were taken away across London Bridge towards Westminster.

(The Baron - In rich English accent)
Driving along in my horse drawn carriage
I notice the poor folk and think
All men are born equal but pretty soon after
some fall in the muck and then sink
While people like me and the General
Will eat caviar and drink fine wine with the queen
Many out here aren't so lucky
They fight for their lives - it's obscene!

Oh General
Let's make more little princes
Let us define our LOVE for the world
I'll book us all a place in heaven
I'll draw up a plan for the poor of London

(The General - In rich English accent)
Baron friend,
I've been living with closed eyes for such a long time
Mon ami
we can change things around here oh I have no doubt
We can ask
The Queen of England to help us change it -
The terrible living conditions
Of the vast majority of London's citizens!

(Choir)
Oh yes La la lay!
Ah ah ah
Showing kindness and kinship to the poor of London.

"Well General, here we are again"  The Baron alighted from the carriage, stepping forth onto the clean flagstones which pave the entrances to the palace of Westminster.  "The seat of all the civilisation."

"Are we to see her majesty immediately yes yes?"  The General stepped from the carriage.  "I like to always to know what she is wearing she is a lovely sight no?" 

Before the last syllable was spoken, the General was pinned to the carriage, his head held back to avoid the sharp point of the Baron's sword which was hovering inches from the General's eyeball.

"General, do not make me defend her majesty's honour"

"Mon ami monsieur I apologise! Please, replace your sword and allow me to bow"  The sorry General breathed quickly and the Baron replaced his sword, receiving the bow with a nod. 

The two strolled with guards to the chamber within the Palace where the Queen was to meet them.

(The Queen)
How good to see you both again
I was wondering how long it would be
And then I got your message to me
General you should not leave it so long next time.

And you Baron I see before me
A man who has seen something of the world
Since the last time we spoke
Really tell all your adventures to this girl!

(Baron)
Ma'am I've been away a long time...

(The logic machine)
LOGIC FLAW!

(Baron)
What the devil is that contraption?

(Queen)
My dear it is the logic machine.
I have some issues with naivety
And with gullibility
And so I asked my engineer to make this for me
If it encounters an illogical statement it shouts
Extremely loud it breaks my ears.

(Sad music begins)
But it is wrong
It gets things wrong
It just shouts and shouts and shouts
All day long!
So there's a switch which I can press
So I get annoyed rather less
It adds "ignore" to all wrong statements that it makes!

(Machine) (and choir also, like in "Zadok the priest")
IGNORE LOGIC FLAW!
LOGIC FLAW LOGIC FLAW!
IGNORE LOGIC FLAW!
IGNORE LOGIC FLAW!

(Baron)
What a contraption.
Anyway Ma'am I have to make some demands if I may
LOGIC FLAW!
What was so illogical about that please say
IGNORE LOGIC FLAW!
Oh does that mean it has taken it back?
LOGIC FLAW!
What a pain it nearly stirs me to attack (it)

But Ma'am
Look outside your window
LOGIC FLAW
And see all the people of London Town
Maybe
You see them in their poverty
LOGIC FLAW IGNORE
And perhaps you want to stop their lives from sliding down

(General takes over)
Sliding into poverty
Where you must eat and drink for free
Eating rats and drinking filth
Suffer short lives of grim ill health

(Baron)
How come the machine doesn't sound when he speaks?

(General)
Ma'am if I may say
We could turn this city today
Into a better place for all
From the richest to the poor

(Baron)
Hear my demands
Hear my demands

I need money
LOGIC FLAW
To construct
IGNORE
A plan
LOGIC FLAW
So grand
LOGIC FLAW
That soon
LOGIC FLAW
You'll be known
IGNORE
As the charitable Regina
And when they talk about ya
They will announce and proclaim
That forever with your name
All of England will attach
Love and charity and Pax
LOGIC FLAW LOGIC FLAW

I did quite well
LOGIC FLAW
In that last sequence
LOGIC FLAW
To avoid the attentions of the machine
IGNORE LOGIC FLAW
But now it does seem
LOGIC FLAW
TO be back attacking me.

(The Queen)
I'm sorry my darling baron
The machine has forgotten
How logic works in sentences
I've an idea which may remedy this
Say some logical lines and I will try
To come up with some illogical lie
to match.
We must make the distinction
Twixt illogic and falsehood
This is not a truth machine
Although that would also be quite good

(General)
Can I join in with neutral phrases
Which fall in neither camp?
(Queen)
Oh go on then what the blazes
Your French talk always sounds so camp / (makes me (damp?)) /lights my lamp

(Queen)
here we go then
(B)
A table has four legs
(m)IGNORE LOGIC FLAW
(q)A table eats raw eggs
(m)LOGIC FLAW LOGIC FLAW
(g)I like to kiss pale English ladies
(B)I'll send leching Frenchmen off to Hades!

(q)Gentlemen please lets get back on track
Your dedication to this task is rather slack / (whack?).

(B)
right, A carriage is drawn by a horse
(m)LOGIC FLAW LOGIC FLAW
(q)A horseman makes poor horse sauce
(m) IGNORE LOGIC FLAW
(g)Romancing french girls is quite the thing
But English roses make my heart sing

(b)Are you trying to wind me up?
(m)LOGIC FLAW LOGIC FLAW
(g)Non, mon ami, my english pup
(m)IGNORE IGNORE LOGIC DOOR
(g)I only speak what's on my mind
(b)Well stop man if you'd be so kind.

(q)Concentrate on the task in hand
This queen is not a one man band

(b)Doves and gulls are birds of the air
(m)LOGIC FLAW LOGIC FLOOR
(q)Ducks and Geese when burned will swear
(m)IGNORE IGNORE LOGIC FLAW
(g)I love the warm English girls so fair
(b)French fool a duel now if you dare!

(q)Men now this is getting stupid
Frenchman here was stabbed by cupid
He won't leave brit girls alone
Accept it Baron please, don't moan!


That's all I could fit into the song but it leaves the whole plot dangling a bit.


 

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